It's hard to depict myself on a page for the scrutiny of others when I'm so unsure about who I am.
There is a distinct difference between knowing what you are and who you are.
For example, here is what I am:
Female. Jewish. Songwriter. Journalism student. Occasional baker. Sometimes, a painter.
I possess talents that have earned me praise, but not enough for me to take it past face value. I can sing and play instruments. Whoop-de-do. So can thousands of other people on the planet. I'm no Jimi Hendrix.
I've been told by complete strangers that I have a voice for broadcasting the news. I believe them, but in the same vein, they could have told that to other journalists before. I do not feel as though I am special.
When it comes to who I am, the adjectives are lost on me - aside from what you may find on a tombstone:
Daughter. Sister. Friend. Granddaughter. Niece. Cousin.
If that sounded morbid when your brain read it aloud to itself, I'm not sorry.
The most effective way for me to show you who I might be is to describe what I struggle with.
I have OCD. No, not the kind where people giggle to themselves and say, "I love to organize my school supplies...gosh, I'm so OCD!"
OCD is washing your hands for 30 seconds (rather than the CDC's recommended 20) because you fear any and all germs that may stick to your hands if you only wash them for 20 seconds.
OCD is avoiding writing notes by hand with a pencil because you might dislike the appearance and lack of neatness in your own handwriting, which may then lead you to erase it and start over.
OCD is counting the amount of times you breathe or swallow because it has to be an even number. You don't know why, but it does. It has to be an even number or something bad is going to happen.
OCD is biting at the inside of your mouth too often because you also have ADHD and anxiety. The catch is, if you do it to one side, you must immediately bite at the other side to make them even.
OCD stands for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I, however, would like to alter the acronym to say:
O - Obnoxious little scumbag that is
C - Clearly interrupting my life and
D - Don't tell me not to use the word "scumbag" because, in this case, it is warranted.
Looking back, I missed out on a great deal of enjoyable moments because I feared the potential of failure. I could have met so many new people, made a good, permanent set of friends and really solidified my place at HPU - had I learned not to be so afraid.
I'm a senior now, four months away from entering the real world with nothing but myself and a piece of paper in my hand, declaring my qualifications and justifying where I belong.
In the four years that I have spent as a college student, I regret not doing more for myself.
As I enter the workforce, I am still afraid.
This is a very courageous piece of writing. You reveal quiet a lot about yourself to the reader, topics others would shy away from or struggle to explain in a relatable way. Yet you don't do it in a whiny or needy way at all. Your voice is strong and unapologetic.
ReplyDeleteThe turn at the end was a bit of a surprise. After raising your voice slightly to object to the harm the OCD has caused, you end on a vulnerable note. This was a very affecting choice. Fine writer's instincts.
We'll continue working to polish posts in class Tuesday. See you soon.